Life really is sweet
That's the title of my whole blog. Candi's sweet life.
Overall, life really is sweet. I have a husband who loves me, no matter how much I resist it at times. I have four beautiful children. They are... amazing. Smart, hilarious, kind, sassy, creative, confident, and I am abundantly in love with all four of them. I have family and friends, who love me. I know they love me. Even if I don't agree with their choices and decisions, I shouldn't question their motive.
But more than that, I have a God. The God. Who loves me eternally and unconditionally. Even when I was laying in my bed, not able to get out, not able to see how I could go on from this place... He was there, loving me. Not letting me go. And using the people around me to not let me go.
As much as I resisted, I never doubted that God loved me. I doubted the love from everyone else, but not God.
I feel like every time I've had one of these "moments" ( I don't know a better word for it, maybe breakdown?) I feed in to every lie Satan has for me. I want to believe them because I can't understand why, whatever the issue may be, is happening. I feel like, when I get to that place, I am so broken, that I'm not myself.
Its only happened a handful of times in my life. Maybe...5? I don't know. The first being when I was 13 and the latest being Sunday. I try to get my points across of why it happens, how it happens, how I feel when it happens. I feel like I'm being told I'm not allowed to feel that way. I'm not allowed to feel hurt by other people's choices. I'm not allowed to feel betrayed because that wasn't anyone's intention.
I can't get it across that I understand it was no one's intent to hurt me or betray me, but that doesn't mean that I can't feel that way. I feel crazy when I'm trying to get my point across. I just want everyone to say that I'm allowed to feel the way I feel and you are allowed to feel the way you feel. And it sucks, it sucks to be hurt and to hurt people you love, but here we are. Stop trying to make me feel guilty for being depressed. I feel like I can only control it to an extent, and then I can't anymore.
I honestly don't remember half of the things I told my husband when I was in that pit. I'm sure I told him some awful things to make him not want to come home and be with me anymore. I'm sure I exaggerated feelings and thoughts to "get back" at him and everyone for the way they were making me feel. It wasn't a healthy situation. But it was the first time that he was there in it with me. And neither of us knew what to do with that.
So here I am... day 5 of "the breakdown" and I'm still not okay. But we are. I've found my way back out of the pit, the fog, like I always do, This time it took longer than usual. I'm having to have conversations with the people I love THE MOST and hear how much I hurt them. And I'm having to tell them how much they hurt me. And like I said, I feel like I'm being told I'm not allowed to feel hurt. I KNOW I'm not allowed to react that way. But am I the only one who just needs to lay in bed, by yourself and cry for a little while? Every other time... I guess the other 4 or 5 times I've gone through this, it lasts for maybe 12 hours, and then I cope and move on. But this time... everything just got blown out of proportion. It shouldn't have lasted this long, but it did.
Everyone wants to me to go see someone. Fine, I'll go see someone. I don't want to feel like this again, that's for sure. I can't see how seeing someone about this will help me, but I'm willing.
I've researched this, I know the coping techniques. I know that medicine helps some people but for a lot of people there are awful side effects. I know that diet and exercise have a lot to do with treatment as well. I recently came across studies on St. John's Wart and how it, too helps a lot of people without the side effects. And a study that said that neither SJW or medicine were as effective when put up against a placebo in a study...
I'm not stupid, I know I have clinical depression. I guess a doctor can give me a diagnosis, I've never been actually diagnosed, so that's something... BUT, if it will help my family and friends, and heck, if it will help me learn something new, I'll go. I love them, they love me, its all about compromise.
I DO KNOW, however, that true healing, for me, can only come from God. I truly believe that this depression is my thorn. Paul wrote about trials and thorns. Trials are hard, but eventually end, thorns will never go away until we get to heaven. This is my thorn. Its never going to go away. Its a part of who I am. God made me this way for a reason, and I don't know what that is yet, but I embrace it. And I know that He will not "sign off" on anything that happens in my life and then just leave me to deal, I know that He will not give me something that He won't take care of me through. So that is what I will cling to. That is what will be the medicine for my depression. His word, His promises, Him. I don't need medicine to change my chemical imbalance, I need to lean onto the One who created me exactly the way He wanted me to be.
And that's my truth, I'm not ashamed of who I am. I am ashamed of how I act sometimes. Of how I sin, of how I try to control things when I clearly can't. But I'm not ashamed of being God's daughter, or of the person He created in me. I try to be an open book. I don't keep secrets, they hurt people. I don't fake my walk with God. I try to sincerely love people, sincerely care about them and anything they have going on. Whether you take it as that or not, its the truth. When I'm happy, I'm sincerely happy, and when I'm sad, that's sincere, too. I have faked it before in the past, get through a party, even though my heart is breaking inside. Get through a dinner even though I want to cry in front of everyone... but I'm sure I'm not the only one. But during those times, I can still laugh when something's funny. I can still smile when I hear my kids squeal. That part is genuine.
So if you're reading this... and if I've hurt you.... I sincerely apologize. Bottom line, I got really really hurt, I freaked out, reacted badly. I messed up and took a bunch of people with me. I've probably already reached out and apologized, but here's a public one. I love the people God has given me. I love the life God has given me. Sometimes, I get really messed up and sad and I say things I don't mean. I'm sorry.
Thank you for being a part of my sweet life.
Overall, life really is sweet. I have a husband who loves me, no matter how much I resist it at times. I have four beautiful children. They are... amazing. Smart, hilarious, kind, sassy, creative, confident, and I am abundantly in love with all four of them. I have family and friends, who love me. I know they love me. Even if I don't agree with their choices and decisions, I shouldn't question their motive.
But more than that, I have a God. The God. Who loves me eternally and unconditionally. Even when I was laying in my bed, not able to get out, not able to see how I could go on from this place... He was there, loving me. Not letting me go. And using the people around me to not let me go.
As much as I resisted, I never doubted that God loved me. I doubted the love from everyone else, but not God.
I feel like every time I've had one of these "moments" ( I don't know a better word for it, maybe breakdown?) I feed in to every lie Satan has for me. I want to believe them because I can't understand why, whatever the issue may be, is happening. I feel like, when I get to that place, I am so broken, that I'm not myself.
Its only happened a handful of times in my life. Maybe...5? I don't know. The first being when I was 13 and the latest being Sunday. I try to get my points across of why it happens, how it happens, how I feel when it happens. I feel like I'm being told I'm not allowed to feel that way. I'm not allowed to feel hurt by other people's choices. I'm not allowed to feel betrayed because that wasn't anyone's intention.
I can't get it across that I understand it was no one's intent to hurt me or betray me, but that doesn't mean that I can't feel that way. I feel crazy when I'm trying to get my point across. I just want everyone to say that I'm allowed to feel the way I feel and you are allowed to feel the way you feel. And it sucks, it sucks to be hurt and to hurt people you love, but here we are. Stop trying to make me feel guilty for being depressed. I feel like I can only control it to an extent, and then I can't anymore.
I honestly don't remember half of the things I told my husband when I was in that pit. I'm sure I told him some awful things to make him not want to come home and be with me anymore. I'm sure I exaggerated feelings and thoughts to "get back" at him and everyone for the way they were making me feel. It wasn't a healthy situation. But it was the first time that he was there in it with me. And neither of us knew what to do with that.
So here I am... day 5 of "the breakdown" and I'm still not okay. But we are. I've found my way back out of the pit, the fog, like I always do, This time it took longer than usual. I'm having to have conversations with the people I love THE MOST and hear how much I hurt them. And I'm having to tell them how much they hurt me. And like I said, I feel like I'm being told I'm not allowed to feel hurt. I KNOW I'm not allowed to react that way. But am I the only one who just needs to lay in bed, by yourself and cry for a little while? Every other time... I guess the other 4 or 5 times I've gone through this, it lasts for maybe 12 hours, and then I cope and move on. But this time... everything just got blown out of proportion. It shouldn't have lasted this long, but it did.
Everyone wants to me to go see someone. Fine, I'll go see someone. I don't want to feel like this again, that's for sure. I can't see how seeing someone about this will help me, but I'm willing.
I've researched this, I know the coping techniques. I know that medicine helps some people but for a lot of people there are awful side effects. I know that diet and exercise have a lot to do with treatment as well. I recently came across studies on St. John's Wart and how it, too helps a lot of people without the side effects. And a study that said that neither SJW or medicine were as effective when put up against a placebo in a study...
I'm not stupid, I know I have clinical depression. I guess a doctor can give me a diagnosis, I've never been actually diagnosed, so that's something... BUT, if it will help my family and friends, and heck, if it will help me learn something new, I'll go. I love them, they love me, its all about compromise.
I DO KNOW, however, that true healing, for me, can only come from God. I truly believe that this depression is my thorn. Paul wrote about trials and thorns. Trials are hard, but eventually end, thorns will never go away until we get to heaven. This is my thorn. Its never going to go away. Its a part of who I am. God made me this way for a reason, and I don't know what that is yet, but I embrace it. And I know that He will not "sign off" on anything that happens in my life and then just leave me to deal, I know that He will not give me something that He won't take care of me through. So that is what I will cling to. That is what will be the medicine for my depression. His word, His promises, Him. I don't need medicine to change my chemical imbalance, I need to lean onto the One who created me exactly the way He wanted me to be.
And that's my truth, I'm not ashamed of who I am. I am ashamed of how I act sometimes. Of how I sin, of how I try to control things when I clearly can't. But I'm not ashamed of being God's daughter, or of the person He created in me. I try to be an open book. I don't keep secrets, they hurt people. I don't fake my walk with God. I try to sincerely love people, sincerely care about them and anything they have going on. Whether you take it as that or not, its the truth. When I'm happy, I'm sincerely happy, and when I'm sad, that's sincere, too. I have faked it before in the past, get through a party, even though my heart is breaking inside. Get through a dinner even though I want to cry in front of everyone... but I'm sure I'm not the only one. But during those times, I can still laugh when something's funny. I can still smile when I hear my kids squeal. That part is genuine.
So if you're reading this... and if I've hurt you.... I sincerely apologize. Bottom line, I got really really hurt, I freaked out, reacted badly. I messed up and took a bunch of people with me. I've probably already reached out and apologized, but here's a public one. I love the people God has given me. I love the life God has given me. Sometimes, I get really messed up and sad and I say things I don't mean. I'm sorry.
Thank you for being a part of my sweet life.
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