How Do you Feel?
How do you feel?
Facebook asks me this question every time I log on. Right there in the status box, as if I'm supposed to spill my guts to Facebook like its my best friend...
I've learned a thing or two about best friends these past few months. For one thing, they are human. They let you down even though you never thought they would.... at least not over and over and over.
I've also learned that I'm a crappy best friend. When everyone in your little circle has a problem with you, obviously the problem is you, right? I've said this about other people, I have no problem saying about myself.
And the third thing is, my definition of a best friend seems different than other people's definition.
So there ya go, Facebook that's how I feel. But I don't want to put all that out there in a cutesy little status where other people are complaining about their bad day or their great need for coffee. I think my true feelings deserve to be acknowledged among true friends.
Unfortunately, those friends aren't talking to me. Because I hurt them. I'm not sure how, because they won't tell me. But I did. And I've apologized. Taken the blame, owned up to that, and still nothing.
But they weren't there with my when I couldn't get out of bed. I can handle a lot. But when it keeps snowballing and piling on top of each other, and I'm working my hardest to fix relationships and just continue to be hurt by the people closest to me...yeah I'm gonna break.
And I did.
And now, its my fault. For putting everyone through that. For causing so much heartache.
I spent two hours last night, apologizing for my depression. Apologizing for doing the only thing I could do to survive. And I'm still in trouble.
Is it just me, or is that twisted? Push all my hurt and pain aside. I'm told to reach out to the people who hurt me so deeply, apologize, try to work things out... AND I AM!!! I have no problem doing that! I love these people. And I'm still getting hurt.'
SO what have I learned today? I'm allowed to be hurt, but not allowed to feel that hurt. Other people are allowed to hurt, and I have to put my stuff aside and fix their pain. Fix the relationship, but I can't talk about why they hurt me.
Lesson learned...
Facebook asks me this question every time I log on. Right there in the status box, as if I'm supposed to spill my guts to Facebook like its my best friend...
I've learned a thing or two about best friends these past few months. For one thing, they are human. They let you down even though you never thought they would.... at least not over and over and over.
I've also learned that I'm a crappy best friend. When everyone in your little circle has a problem with you, obviously the problem is you, right? I've said this about other people, I have no problem saying about myself.
And the third thing is, my definition of a best friend seems different than other people's definition.
So there ya go, Facebook that's how I feel. But I don't want to put all that out there in a cutesy little status where other people are complaining about their bad day or their great need for coffee. I think my true feelings deserve to be acknowledged among true friends.
Unfortunately, those friends aren't talking to me. Because I hurt them. I'm not sure how, because they won't tell me. But I did. And I've apologized. Taken the blame, owned up to that, and still nothing.
But they weren't there with my when I couldn't get out of bed. I can handle a lot. But when it keeps snowballing and piling on top of each other, and I'm working my hardest to fix relationships and just continue to be hurt by the people closest to me...yeah I'm gonna break.
And I did.
And now, its my fault. For putting everyone through that. For causing so much heartache.
I spent two hours last night, apologizing for my depression. Apologizing for doing the only thing I could do to survive. And I'm still in trouble.
Is it just me, or is that twisted? Push all my hurt and pain aside. I'm told to reach out to the people who hurt me so deeply, apologize, try to work things out... AND I AM!!! I have no problem doing that! I love these people. And I'm still getting hurt.'
SO what have I learned today? I'm allowed to be hurt, but not allowed to feel that hurt. Other people are allowed to hurt, and I have to put my stuff aside and fix their pain. Fix the relationship, but I can't talk about why they hurt me.
Lesson learned...
Comments
Post a Comment