Permission to Fail
Saturday night! I don't know about how your evening went, but mine was pretty awesome...
Hubs made dinner (fancy stroganoff a la Hamburger Helper), spent the night on the couch watching the last few episodes of Reign (great show on Netflix!) with the constant interruptions of every excuse in the book of why my girls weren't able to clean their room. (She isn't doing any work! I have to do it all by myself! She keeps yelling at me! She kicked me! My tummy hurts! I'm so tired and you are keeping me from getting enough sleep! Which was said at about 8:30 might I add...) A typical night of "rest" around here.
I shudder at the phrase "nothing to do", while relishing in it at the same time. I love that we have slimmed our schedule a bit this year as far as extra activities go, but is there EVER really "nothing to do?" My husband has a gift. Its more of a selfish gift because it really only benefits him (insert dumb joke about men here), but he can chill. He can kick his feet up and take some time to do what he wants without a care in the world. He can disregard any looming checklist or deadlines, he can look past the mess and the clutter, he can tune out the noise coming from every crevice in a house with four children, two dogs, and frazzled wife.
That man can chill.
Me? I am neurotic. I admit it, which is the first step in fixing a problem right? I try. I really try to set time aside for "self care", those ever allusive mental health days that are so needed. I really do try to take care of myself which is told to me at least once a week by my loved ones.
I can't do it.
Tonight is the perfect example. As I said above, tonight was a "night off." We had no plans, hubs works the night shift now so he was home most of the evening. I mentioned earlier in the day that I was not up for cooking dinner and asked him to handle it, and he did (thanks babe!) I set up on the couch with my sweet tea and my Netflix. All that was left was to chill!
The kids must not have received that memo. I was interrupted by question after comment after request. No big deal, they are kids and I field those on the daily.
Then the floor catches my eye, and I realize it really needs a sweep and a mop. And the carpet in the office needs to be cleaned with the carpet cleaner. And I just bought a new bottle of pledge because I know the shelves and things need to be cleaned and dusted. There are a lot of things that didn't get done before the birthday party that still need to be done. And there will be no time tomorrow. And I need to prepare for my VBS meeting tomorrow. We don't have Girl Scouts tomorrow, but I need to get stuff together for the camping trip. Oh and I still need to send that list of badges to the other leader. And if we can't do the robot badges for badge fest we need to figure out how to fit them in before the end of May. May is coming so fast and I need to get this house clean and purged before the kids get out of school for the summer. They have so many clothes, I'm never going to get this laundry finished. Why am I saving all these clothes? I need to go through them and simplify. And I need to do the same in my kitchen. I need to do a word study on the word "simplify" since its my theme for 2018. I also need to finish up my Sunday school lesson before church tomorrow. Tomorrow night is the doctrinal study so that means I'll have to figure out what to make for supper and when to make it. Change in schedule makes B so upset. I hate having to walk on eggshells with him. Its not fair to him or to me. He is getting more aggressive every day. He hit me for the first time last night at the birthday party. What are we going to do about that? Add another therapist into the mix? Utilize the ones we have to try to fit even more stuff for him to work on? School will be out soon, how am I going to give him what he needs all summer? This summer is going to be so crazy with VBS and camp and the mission trip and the different activities the kids want to do...
Yeah, and this is how my mind races when I am trying to "chill." I never can turn off all the issues and problem solving and trying to keep everything running and working. Suddenly I realize I have pulled a nice little chunks worth of hair out but anxiously running my fingers through it over and over.
See? I told you I'm neurotic. I just need a break. Sometimes I wonder what life would look like if I dropped the ball.
All the balls.
I often do! I mess up a lot, I forget things, and am late or don't show up at all. I overbook myself, I run myself ragged, I am say the wrong things, do the wrong things. I let people down, including my family and friends. I drop the ball a lot. But I immediately pick it back up. I feel like I am supposed to. Sometimes I selfishly watch people around mess up big time and still get to continue on with life as usual, and I'd like to try that. I's like permission to fail.
Its a selfish and wrong feeling. To want to forget everything and everyone else and just do what I want to do without guilt or care. Sometimes I just get tired of being the one who always tries to hold it all together.
I really shouldn't even post this because I don't really want anyone to read it, but its real. Its how I feel, raw emotions and all. And I don't want to only share the good parts of life, but the tough ones, too.
On a brighter note, I finished the last episode of Reign! #NetflixandNeurotic
Hubs made dinner (fancy stroganoff a la Hamburger Helper), spent the night on the couch watching the last few episodes of Reign (great show on Netflix!) with the constant interruptions of every excuse in the book of why my girls weren't able to clean their room. (She isn't doing any work! I have to do it all by myself! She keeps yelling at me! She kicked me! My tummy hurts! I'm so tired and you are keeping me from getting enough sleep! Which was said at about 8:30 might I add...) A typical night of "rest" around here.
I shudder at the phrase "nothing to do", while relishing in it at the same time. I love that we have slimmed our schedule a bit this year as far as extra activities go, but is there EVER really "nothing to do?" My husband has a gift. Its more of a selfish gift because it really only benefits him (insert dumb joke about men here), but he can chill. He can kick his feet up and take some time to do what he wants without a care in the world. He can disregard any looming checklist or deadlines, he can look past the mess and the clutter, he can tune out the noise coming from every crevice in a house with four children, two dogs, and frazzled wife.
That man can chill.
Me? I am neurotic. I admit it, which is the first step in fixing a problem right? I try. I really try to set time aside for "self care", those ever allusive mental health days that are so needed. I really do try to take care of myself which is told to me at least once a week by my loved ones.
I can't do it.
Tonight is the perfect example. As I said above, tonight was a "night off." We had no plans, hubs works the night shift now so he was home most of the evening. I mentioned earlier in the day that I was not up for cooking dinner and asked him to handle it, and he did (thanks babe!) I set up on the couch with my sweet tea and my Netflix. All that was left was to chill!
The kids must not have received that memo. I was interrupted by question after comment after request. No big deal, they are kids and I field those on the daily.
Then the floor catches my eye, and I realize it really needs a sweep and a mop. And the carpet in the office needs to be cleaned with the carpet cleaner. And I just bought a new bottle of pledge because I know the shelves and things need to be cleaned and dusted. There are a lot of things that didn't get done before the birthday party that still need to be done. And there will be no time tomorrow. And I need to prepare for my VBS meeting tomorrow. We don't have Girl Scouts tomorrow, but I need to get stuff together for the camping trip. Oh and I still need to send that list of badges to the other leader. And if we can't do the robot badges for badge fest we need to figure out how to fit them in before the end of May. May is coming so fast and I need to get this house clean and purged before the kids get out of school for the summer. They have so many clothes, I'm never going to get this laundry finished. Why am I saving all these clothes? I need to go through them and simplify. And I need to do the same in my kitchen. I need to do a word study on the word "simplify" since its my theme for 2018. I also need to finish up my Sunday school lesson before church tomorrow. Tomorrow night is the doctrinal study so that means I'll have to figure out what to make for supper and when to make it. Change in schedule makes B so upset. I hate having to walk on eggshells with him. Its not fair to him or to me. He is getting more aggressive every day. He hit me for the first time last night at the birthday party. What are we going to do about that? Add another therapist into the mix? Utilize the ones we have to try to fit even more stuff for him to work on? School will be out soon, how am I going to give him what he needs all summer? This summer is going to be so crazy with VBS and camp and the mission trip and the different activities the kids want to do...
Yeah, and this is how my mind races when I am trying to "chill." I never can turn off all the issues and problem solving and trying to keep everything running and working. Suddenly I realize I have pulled a nice little chunks worth of hair out but anxiously running my fingers through it over and over.
See? I told you I'm neurotic. I just need a break. Sometimes I wonder what life would look like if I dropped the ball.
All the balls.
I often do! I mess up a lot, I forget things, and am late or don't show up at all. I overbook myself, I run myself ragged, I am say the wrong things, do the wrong things. I let people down, including my family and friends. I drop the ball a lot. But I immediately pick it back up. I feel like I am supposed to. Sometimes I selfishly watch people around mess up big time and still get to continue on with life as usual, and I'd like to try that. I's like permission to fail.
Its a selfish and wrong feeling. To want to forget everything and everyone else and just do what I want to do without guilt or care. Sometimes I just get tired of being the one who always tries to hold it all together.
I really shouldn't even post this because I don't really want anyone to read it, but its real. Its how I feel, raw emotions and all. And I don't want to only share the good parts of life, but the tough ones, too.
On a brighter note, I finished the last episode of Reign! #NetflixandNeurotic
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