Goodbye Normal
The trip home that morning was brief. She found herself constantly hopping from place to place, making appointments, running errands, meeting up with people. Constantly racing against the clock to see who would reach the hour first. But this time, it was different. Time stood still. The world faded away, and she was left in her thoughts.
This was the first time she allowed herself to mourn. To mourn the life she thought he had to look forward to. The overwhelming shadow of "unknown" now covered the picture of his future, and she could no longer see what that looks like.
Then the realization came upon her, heavy and tight, that she was no longer faced with the fear of his future, but life as she knew it, in this present moment, was also changing forever.
Time to face the facts; he isn't normal. Life can never be normal again, and the persona you have tried to live up to, the life that you watch in others and have always desired, that's not your reality.
Your son has Autism.
She knows in her head that this is not a death sentence. Everyone will tell her "that doesn't define him, that doesn't determine his future." She knows what an incredible child he is, how talented and witty and loving he can be. No one knows his heart like his Momma. No one can read his face, or hear what he is saying behind his words like his mother can. No one can see his promise and possibilities like his mother can. But no one sees the struggle he has everyday to live in the real world like his mother does. No one sees the broken heart he suffers everyday because he can't understand why he doesn't have a best friend. No one else washes his sheets in the morning, or know which sweatshirts are his favorite. No one else stays up late at night watching YouTube videos done by others with Autism, or about others with Autism in hopes that she will gain some more insight into his mind. No one constantly thinks about incentives and charts and the right words to say to prevent another meltdown in public, or at home. No one else has to worry about reports of abuse when she is trying to restrain him in the grocery store and he just yells, "Let go of me! You hate me!" because she told him he couldn't have a Dr. Pepper.
She knows the struggle and pain of raising a child with special needs. And in the brief moment of pause, the tears flowed. She realize that her life could never be "normal." And she finally began to mourn. Letting go is not easy for her. It's not easy for most people. But she knows that letting go means she can welcome the true person God designed her son to be. The plan that He created from the formation of the world for this little boy's life. From birth to death, God has it under control and it is beyond her wildest dreams. Through all the pain and loss, God makes beauty from ashes.
So she prays.
For this child she begged the Lord for. For the man is becoming. For his future to be wrapped up in the plan God has for him. For his heart to he tender and open to God's will and wisdom. For his peace to come from God and not from things or people. For his ability to be in the world and not of it. For the people that will come into his life and have affect on him.
And for herself. To utilize the strength and tools she has already been given. To keep her armor on and fight back when Satan whispers in her ear. To find her peace in the Almighty Father who will never and has never left her. For the wisdom to guide this child through the unknown they face together. For the words to say to be the light in his life and build his relationship with the true Light of the World. For the patience that is needed everyday to be an overflowing, never emptying cup she carries. And for joy. For unspeakable joy that in this suffering we are promised, she may never lose sight of the joy.
Suddenly the world moves on. And now, so can she.
This was the first time she allowed herself to mourn. To mourn the life she thought he had to look forward to. The overwhelming shadow of "unknown" now covered the picture of his future, and she could no longer see what that looks like.
Then the realization came upon her, heavy and tight, that she was no longer faced with the fear of his future, but life as she knew it, in this present moment, was also changing forever.
Time to face the facts; he isn't normal. Life can never be normal again, and the persona you have tried to live up to, the life that you watch in others and have always desired, that's not your reality.
Your son has Autism.
She knows in her head that this is not a death sentence. Everyone will tell her "that doesn't define him, that doesn't determine his future." She knows what an incredible child he is, how talented and witty and loving he can be. No one knows his heart like his Momma. No one can read his face, or hear what he is saying behind his words like his mother can. No one can see his promise and possibilities like his mother can. But no one sees the struggle he has everyday to live in the real world like his mother does. No one sees the broken heart he suffers everyday because he can't understand why he doesn't have a best friend. No one else washes his sheets in the morning, or know which sweatshirts are his favorite. No one else stays up late at night watching YouTube videos done by others with Autism, or about others with Autism in hopes that she will gain some more insight into his mind. No one constantly thinks about incentives and charts and the right words to say to prevent another meltdown in public, or at home. No one else has to worry about reports of abuse when she is trying to restrain him in the grocery store and he just yells, "Let go of me! You hate me!" because she told him he couldn't have a Dr. Pepper.
She knows the struggle and pain of raising a child with special needs. And in the brief moment of pause, the tears flowed. She realize that her life could never be "normal." And she finally began to mourn. Letting go is not easy for her. It's not easy for most people. But she knows that letting go means she can welcome the true person God designed her son to be. The plan that He created from the formation of the world for this little boy's life. From birth to death, God has it under control and it is beyond her wildest dreams. Through all the pain and loss, God makes beauty from ashes.
So she prays.
For this child she begged the Lord for. For the man is becoming. For his future to be wrapped up in the plan God has for him. For his heart to he tender and open to God's will and wisdom. For his peace to come from God and not from things or people. For his ability to be in the world and not of it. For the people that will come into his life and have affect on him.
And for herself. To utilize the strength and tools she has already been given. To keep her armor on and fight back when Satan whispers in her ear. To find her peace in the Almighty Father who will never and has never left her. For the wisdom to guide this child through the unknown they face together. For the words to say to be the light in his life and build his relationship with the true Light of the World. For the patience that is needed everyday to be an overflowing, never emptying cup she carries. And for joy. For unspeakable joy that in this suffering we are promised, she may never lose sight of the joy.
Suddenly the world moves on. And now, so can she.
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