Bad afternoon
It's been an off afternoon for me. Actually, I've lost it. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I get into these moods that I can't control. I lose it with my kids, I lose it with Daniel, I close myself off to anyone and anything and turn into a zombie. I push down all feelings so I don't have to deal with anything, and I lie to myself. In reality I want to leave, I want to run away, get away from the stresses of my life (which are really not that bad). I know it wouldn't solve anything, and it doesn't solve anything, but its what I do.
I believe that I have been fighting depression since I was a teenager. I've had some pretty dark days that only a few of my friends have seen me in. Heartbroken, love sick, low-self esteem... but what teenager hasn't felt that. The one I "love" doesn't love me back, no one understands me, no one wants me, no one understands what I feel, my parents don't care, life isn't fair, God isn't there.... been through it all. So as an adult I figured it would be over, all the teenage depression stuff would be done. I found someone who loves me for me, I have a family that truly cares for me and about me, I have TWO beautiful children who are smart and funny and love me. What do I have to be depressed about?
I've come to realize, I can't help it. I think I actually have clinical depression. I have serious emotional breakdowns and have been trying to hide them for years, but today I air out one of my darkest secrets, I'm depressed. I lash out for no reason, the smallest things sets me off and sometimes it makes me feel like the WORLD'S WORST mother and wife. Which I probably am. I don't know how well I've kept this a secret, some of you may know this already but just tip toe around the subject. Some of you may have no idea, but this is me. I have serious emotional issues.
So anyway, the reason I am writing this is today was one of those days. Right now I am just writing to keep myself from totally losing it. My poor kids, they don't understand what is wrong with me, I don't even understand. I don't know what to do, what to say to them. I just send them to their room to get them away from me. I can't believe I am writing this for anyone to read.
I just feel hopeless, helpless, useless, no motivation to do anything. I'm just gonna lay on the couch and watch TV, probably stuff my face to find some satisfaction....
Sorry for the less than sunny post.
-Candi
I believe that I have been fighting depression since I was a teenager. I've had some pretty dark days that only a few of my friends have seen me in. Heartbroken, love sick, low-self esteem... but what teenager hasn't felt that. The one I "love" doesn't love me back, no one understands me, no one wants me, no one understands what I feel, my parents don't care, life isn't fair, God isn't there.... been through it all. So as an adult I figured it would be over, all the teenage depression stuff would be done. I found someone who loves me for me, I have a family that truly cares for me and about me, I have TWO beautiful children who are smart and funny and love me. What do I have to be depressed about?
I've come to realize, I can't help it. I think I actually have clinical depression. I have serious emotional breakdowns and have been trying to hide them for years, but today I air out one of my darkest secrets, I'm depressed. I lash out for no reason, the smallest things sets me off and sometimes it makes me feel like the WORLD'S WORST mother and wife. Which I probably am. I don't know how well I've kept this a secret, some of you may know this already but just tip toe around the subject. Some of you may have no idea, but this is me. I have serious emotional issues.
So anyway, the reason I am writing this is today was one of those days. Right now I am just writing to keep myself from totally losing it. My poor kids, they don't understand what is wrong with me, I don't even understand. I don't know what to do, what to say to them. I just send them to their room to get them away from me. I can't believe I am writing this for anyone to read.
I just feel hopeless, helpless, useless, no motivation to do anything. I'm just gonna lay on the couch and watch TV, probably stuff my face to find some satisfaction....
Sorry for the less than sunny post.
-Candi
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