Time on my Hands

Well, we are now about 4 months into this pandemic. Life has surely changed, but in some ways it's the same as it has always been. What new things have you done or tried out during this time? How about the things you have always wanted to "get around to" but never seemed to have the time?

In our house, it seemed that once summer hit, we had nothing but time on our hands. Usually, summer brings lots of things to look forward to and a full schedule. With everything being cancelled and being limited on places to go, we have had a lot of time on our hands.

I have personally used my extra time to dig in deep. To rediscover myself, or truly discover myself for the first time. I honestly had no idea who I was. For the past 35 years of my life I looked to to praise, descriptions, opinions of others to decide if I was the person I wanted to be. With the influences of all that being quiet, I decided it was time to meet myself.

This may sound silly, or really indulgent. I have lived a pretty self-less life thus far, so that may seem contradictory. Guess what I've learned... I'm a walking contradiction. I am at constant turmoil in my mind, weighing the different sides, different aspect, different opinions of any given subject, including my own identity.
I have been doing a Bible study with my daughter and some girls around her age the past several weeks. It is all about being defined by who God says you are and not what the world tells you. As I have been going through this study, I find myself learning as much as they are.
I have also been studying the enneagram and finding out what my core longing, fears, motivation are and what I look/act like when I am indulging in my flesh versus living in the Spirit of God. I have also done a study about the story of my life so far and how God uses every part of it to further his kingdom. I am called to a life for a reason and no matter how big or small my story may seem, it is important to share, therefore I am important.

Yall.... you may have already known these things about yourself, or even about me, but I didn't. I lived my life for pleasing others. I thought I was doing all the things you are "supposed" to. All the things expected of you. It's a hard thing to overcome. To rewire yourself to think as Christ does instead of how your flesh/the world does. BUT through Christ, we can change our thinking! Its hard when we try to because often we are trying to do it out of our own strength. But when we fellowship with the Father, through the Son, connected by the Holy Spirit... everything changes.

So, as I enter into this season of "finding myself", it is really coming to the realization of who I have always been. Since I was 9 years old and God came into my life and made me His, I have been this person. I can now live in that truth and watch and see what HE does with me!