Thief in the Night
Tomorrow my youngest, my baby, my last turns 4.
As a Mommy. when my children's birthdays come around, it is a joyful time of remembrance and reflection. I love to sit and flip through the photos and notes and comments from loved ones as we all awaited the first glance at their beautiful faces.
This time of year, there is a lot of that going around because 3 out of my 4 have birthday within 3 weeks time. Two of which are within the same week! And tomorrow, is my MonsterBaby's day.
Tonight I did the usual search through his album on Facebook I made leading up to and including the day of his arrival. He was the most beautiful baby. All my children were and are beautiful, but he came out looking just so picture perfect! It was a gift from God, because his pregnancy was anything but perfect. Unimaginable sickness, hospital visits and stays, exhaustion beyond what I've ever experienced, and PAIN. Then the day finally arrived, a day of relief from this awful pregnancy, and the day I would finally hold this bundle of joy and surprise in my arms.
He was perfect. He nursed like a champ. He passed all his assessments with flying colors. It was my 4th time around, so we had this newborn thing down. The nurses told me how easy I was because I already knew the drill. It was time to be discharged, time to go home and find our new normal. I was so excited and feeling so ready.
Then everything changed.
They say hind sight is 20/20, and boy has this been true in my life. It started with occasional tears. Those are to be expected, hormones racing, body recovering, and everyone trying to adjust to this new guy in our home. tears turned to lack of sleep. Baby was hungry all the time. Eating every hour for thirty minutes means no sleep for Mom. Late nights holding this baby.... I became resentful. Here was this beautiful boy who just wanted me to take care of him and make him feel safe and taken care of, and I didn't even know who he was. I look back at pictures of him once we got home from the hospital and I just cry. I don't know that baby. I don't remember that baby. I was checked out for the first 6 months of his life.
I suffered from postpartum depression. And it stole 6 months of my life. Our life.
Tomorrow by baby boy turns four, and he is the most hilarious, mischievous, intelligent, sweetheart of a boy. And every year when the time comes to celebrate his life, internally I am destroyed inside with the guilt of those 6 months that were stolen from me. I am aware that it isn't my fault and it isn't something wrong that I did, but my actions, words, and thoughts during that time are never forgotten.
So now, I cherish this boy. I cherish every smile, every laugh, every hug, every kiss (which are super rare). Every time he says "Mommy", because for 6 months, I wasn't his Mommy. I will hold him as long as I can. He is soothing ointment to this day to all those old wounds that creep their way up to the surface and flow from my eyes.
I still struggle with depression, and have for most of my life. I fight almost daily to not allow myself to spiral down, as I have, to the place where I no longer desire to be here. I have won 100% of those fights thus far, and I will continue to do so. But I am not ashamed. I am not less than any other mother who bonded with their babies instantly and cherished those newborn days. I was that mother once. I will share my story in hopes that other mothers who feel this way will find help. For other mothers who maybe, like I did, don't realize you are struggling with this depression until you come out of it. Until you fight your way out.
I am thankful for my tribe. They helped me fight even when they didn't understand. They believed me when I said I wasn't ok. They lifted me up and stood next to me even when I didn't want them there. And now, 4 years later, we get to celebrate this amazing boy together.
Happy birthday my MonsterBaby. You are the song in my heart I didn't know the words to, but sang along anyway. We figured it out together. I love you.
As a Mommy. when my children's birthdays come around, it is a joyful time of remembrance and reflection. I love to sit and flip through the photos and notes and comments from loved ones as we all awaited the first glance at their beautiful faces.
This time of year, there is a lot of that going around because 3 out of my 4 have birthday within 3 weeks time. Two of which are within the same week! And tomorrow, is my MonsterBaby's day.
Tonight I did the usual search through his album on Facebook I made leading up to and including the day of his arrival. He was the most beautiful baby. All my children were and are beautiful, but he came out looking just so picture perfect! It was a gift from God, because his pregnancy was anything but perfect. Unimaginable sickness, hospital visits and stays, exhaustion beyond what I've ever experienced, and PAIN. Then the day finally arrived, a day of relief from this awful pregnancy, and the day I would finally hold this bundle of joy and surprise in my arms.
He was perfect. He nursed like a champ. He passed all his assessments with flying colors. It was my 4th time around, so we had this newborn thing down. The nurses told me how easy I was because I already knew the drill. It was time to be discharged, time to go home and find our new normal. I was so excited and feeling so ready.
Then everything changed.
They say hind sight is 20/20, and boy has this been true in my life. It started with occasional tears. Those are to be expected, hormones racing, body recovering, and everyone trying to adjust to this new guy in our home. tears turned to lack of sleep. Baby was hungry all the time. Eating every hour for thirty minutes means no sleep for Mom. Late nights holding this baby.... I became resentful. Here was this beautiful boy who just wanted me to take care of him and make him feel safe and taken care of, and I didn't even know who he was. I look back at pictures of him once we got home from the hospital and I just cry. I don't know that baby. I don't remember that baby. I was checked out for the first 6 months of his life.
I suffered from postpartum depression. And it stole 6 months of my life. Our life.
Tomorrow by baby boy turns four, and he is the most hilarious, mischievous, intelligent, sweetheart of a boy. And every year when the time comes to celebrate his life, internally I am destroyed inside with the guilt of those 6 months that were stolen from me. I am aware that it isn't my fault and it isn't something wrong that I did, but my actions, words, and thoughts during that time are never forgotten.
So now, I cherish this boy. I cherish every smile, every laugh, every hug, every kiss (which are super rare). Every time he says "Mommy", because for 6 months, I wasn't his Mommy. I will hold him as long as I can. He is soothing ointment to this day to all those old wounds that creep their way up to the surface and flow from my eyes.
I still struggle with depression, and have for most of my life. I fight almost daily to not allow myself to spiral down, as I have, to the place where I no longer desire to be here. I have won 100% of those fights thus far, and I will continue to do so. But I am not ashamed. I am not less than any other mother who bonded with their babies instantly and cherished those newborn days. I was that mother once. I will share my story in hopes that other mothers who feel this way will find help. For other mothers who maybe, like I did, don't realize you are struggling with this depression until you come out of it. Until you fight your way out.
I am thankful for my tribe. They helped me fight even when they didn't understand. They believed me when I said I wasn't ok. They lifted me up and stood next to me even when I didn't want them there. And now, 4 years later, we get to celebrate this amazing boy together.
Happy birthday my MonsterBaby. You are the song in my heart I didn't know the words to, but sang along anyway. We figured it out together. I love you.
Comments
Post a Comment