Happy Valentine's Day.....Eve
Well, the day of lovey-dovey stuff is upon us. The day that half of us look forward to and the other half dread. Wherever you fall, I'm sure you have found yourself preparing in whatever ways you find necessary. Planning a date, shopping for a menu you have planned, ordering goodies online, scheduling to get your hair done, inviting friends over for cheesy movies and junk food....
Me? I am up at ten o clock at night making Valentines for my kiddos classes tomorrow.
My kiddos are in Kindergarten, 4th and 5th grade. My kinder baby just had to write her name on every valentine so she can just drop them in her friend's bags tomorrow. My older 2 were sent home with a class list with all their classmates names on them.
I remember being sent home with that same list back in the day. When you are faced with the choice of giving which valentines to whom. Do you give your crush the valentine that really says what you mean? Or do you play it cool? And what about that one kid who you know that no one really likes, so you want to be nice but you don't want to give the wrong impression...
these are the thoughts that went through my 3rd grade mind. I can specifically see the valentine "mailboxes" on the window in my classroom and we were called up one at a time to put our cards in everyone's envelope. Then the moment of truth came.... when everyone got to dig in and pull everything out and read all the cards.
Those were simpler days. None of these Pinterest worthy valentines. Just a simple card with a sucker stuck through it, or a box of the sweetheart candies. With the same cheesy cards my kids will be giving out tomorrow. "Valentine, you are too sweet!" "Valentine, you are one smart cookie!" etc.
So this evening, we are all sitting at the table class lists in front of us, and we are working on the valentines. I am helping Em, all she has to do is write her name. On the first couple ones, I show her which side to write her name. Eventually she says, 'I know Mom! I can read it!" Hahaha! She sure told me! My kids are growing up! Gracie filled all of hers out on her own. Separated them (because she had to have two different designs. One for boys and one for girls) and put her candy with each valentine. And then, there is Brad. Every year, I wonder if he will be able to do his cards by himself. He's in 5th grade now! What 5th grader can't fill out their own valentine cards?
Mine.
The first one, he tears off and rips it in half. "Oops! Good thing I have extras!"
I just smile, and encourage him to slow down and fold the creases before he tears. The next one, he manages to get the whole valentine, and a tiny bit of the next one where he tore it off. "This will work", he says. I ask him if he wants me to tear them off for him so he doesn't rip them all up. "No, I want to do it this year, Mom. I'm old enough to do it by myself."
he proceeds to write his name on the first one. He tells me he created a signature that has a smiley face on it. Then we says the first girl's name as he is writing on the card. He proudly shows it to me, "One down!"
I can't read the name. I only know what it is supposed to say because he said the name out loud as he wrote it. "Slow down on the names, buddy. You have to be able to read them so you can pass them out!"
"I am Mom. I can't be perfect. I am just writing the way I write. Why are you being so mean to me. I just want to do my own cards."
On and on and on. How quickly him demeanor changes.
He tears the next one off... it rips.
"Its all your fault! You were distracting me and made me rip this card! I can't do anything right!"
All I can say at this point is I'm sorry. It does no good. He has already lost his joyful mood and nothing I do or say can get it back for a while.
He storms off from the table. And its time to leave.
PTO meeting. I rush to get every one's shoes on, jackets on, in the car, buckled up. Drive to the school, get everyone out, go up to the door to go in (5 mins late) and its locked. I was supposed to go around to the side.
Nope. Done for the day.
I pile everyone in the car and tell them we are just going back home.
The comments start coming in. "Why aren't we staying? What about the meeting? Aren't you supposed to be at the meeting, Mom? We drove all the way here for nothing? You are just wasting our free time before bed! Can we get something to eat instead of eating at home?"
You know, there is only so much a person can take. This is a glimpse of my life on the daily. Its easy for me to post a picture of Brad when he is smiling and being sweet and talk about how we are overcoming his struggles.... and we are!!! And I love him beyond words... but this, also, is Autism.
My son has Aspergers. they don't call it that anymore, but that's easier than saying high Functioning Autism. And he is really good at controlling himself, for the most part, when he is out in public. But he lets it all out when he gets home. And I have seen this storm coming for weeks.
I can't explain it. He has been off, more extreme, for a few weeks. I don't know where the influences are coming in. I have taken away his YouTube privileges, I have limited phone time, we have had countless conversations, he has started horseback riding therapy....
I don't know. Something is going on with him and neither one of us knows what it is. But this is how it goes with Autism I suppose.
After all of the events of today, about an hour after the kids went to bed, Brad comes into the living room. He looks half asleep and very confused. He just stands in front of the TV looking at me, helpless. "What wrong Bub?" I ask. "uhhhhhhhh." A whine is all I get. "Buddy are you okay? Why aren't you asleep?' He just looks at me. Like he's saying, fix it Mom. I tell him to come here and lay in my lap. He is 11 and growing taller everyday. He doesn't really like for me to hold him or hug on him, but tonight, he curls up in my lap. He makes the same sounds he made when he was a baby, settling his body down to give in to sleep. And he dozes off. I got to hold my boy for about 15 mins tonight, and after that he was ready to go back to his bed. For 15 minutes, everything was ok. For 15 minutes we were at peace, a rare moment of peace.
I spend my days thinking about my children. All four of them. They are all so different, in different places in their lives, with different personalities, strengths, weaknesses, interests, dependency levels. Am I giving enough time to this one? Am I praising this one too much in front of this one? Am I giving this one the same opportunities that I gave the others when they were this age? Am I babying this one too much? Am I pushing enough? Am I asking too much? Am I sheltering them? Am I making excuses for them? What will they remember when they are adults about their childhood? And the one that occupies my mind the most lately is....
Does he really believe those things he says about me? Is that really what he thinks of me?
So, here I sit, Valentine's Day Eve, with a table full of valentines, needing names written on them, candy stuck to them, and ready to pass out tomorrow.
My boy can't make valentines for his classmates. He can barely write his name on 20 cards without having a meltdown. But you know what he can do? He can create AMAZING worlds in Minecraft. He can do anything he puts his mind to on the computer. He is an incredibly talented videographer. He can edit videos like a professional. He can put himself out there and talk to people without fear of rejection. He can light up a room with his genuine smile. He has a heart of gold, everyone who has ever spent any time with him will tell you that. He can turn 5 legos into anything. And I love him to the moon and back.
And I will spend every day of my life making sure that he and all of his siblings know that.
And tonight, I will finish his valentines for him.
I hope you guys have a very Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. I hope that you all get to spend the day with those you love the most. That you are all shown just how much you are loved and you get to show others how much you love them. I think having a day set aside to show people what they mean to you is pretty special. And if you are ready this, and you have decided to take this journey with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We are all going through hard stuff. We all need all the support we can get from one another.
Love you guys!!!!!!
Me? I am up at ten o clock at night making Valentines for my kiddos classes tomorrow.
My kiddos are in Kindergarten, 4th and 5th grade. My kinder baby just had to write her name on every valentine so she can just drop them in her friend's bags tomorrow. My older 2 were sent home with a class list with all their classmates names on them.
I remember being sent home with that same list back in the day. When you are faced with the choice of giving which valentines to whom. Do you give your crush the valentine that really says what you mean? Or do you play it cool? And what about that one kid who you know that no one really likes, so you want to be nice but you don't want to give the wrong impression...
these are the thoughts that went through my 3rd grade mind. I can specifically see the valentine "mailboxes" on the window in my classroom and we were called up one at a time to put our cards in everyone's envelope. Then the moment of truth came.... when everyone got to dig in and pull everything out and read all the cards.
Those were simpler days. None of these Pinterest worthy valentines. Just a simple card with a sucker stuck through it, or a box of the sweetheart candies. With the same cheesy cards my kids will be giving out tomorrow. "Valentine, you are too sweet!" "Valentine, you are one smart cookie!" etc.
So this evening, we are all sitting at the table class lists in front of us, and we are working on the valentines. I am helping Em, all she has to do is write her name. On the first couple ones, I show her which side to write her name. Eventually she says, 'I know Mom! I can read it!" Hahaha! She sure told me! My kids are growing up! Gracie filled all of hers out on her own. Separated them (because she had to have two different designs. One for boys and one for girls) and put her candy with each valentine. And then, there is Brad. Every year, I wonder if he will be able to do his cards by himself. He's in 5th grade now! What 5th grader can't fill out their own valentine cards?
Mine.
The first one, he tears off and rips it in half. "Oops! Good thing I have extras!"
I just smile, and encourage him to slow down and fold the creases before he tears. The next one, he manages to get the whole valentine, and a tiny bit of the next one where he tore it off. "This will work", he says. I ask him if he wants me to tear them off for him so he doesn't rip them all up. "No, I want to do it this year, Mom. I'm old enough to do it by myself."
he proceeds to write his name on the first one. He tells me he created a signature that has a smiley face on it. Then we says the first girl's name as he is writing on the card. He proudly shows it to me, "One down!"
I can't read the name. I only know what it is supposed to say because he said the name out loud as he wrote it. "Slow down on the names, buddy. You have to be able to read them so you can pass them out!"
"I am Mom. I can't be perfect. I am just writing the way I write. Why are you being so mean to me. I just want to do my own cards."
On and on and on. How quickly him demeanor changes.
He tears the next one off... it rips.
"Its all your fault! You were distracting me and made me rip this card! I can't do anything right!"
All I can say at this point is I'm sorry. It does no good. He has already lost his joyful mood and nothing I do or say can get it back for a while.
He storms off from the table. And its time to leave.
PTO meeting. I rush to get every one's shoes on, jackets on, in the car, buckled up. Drive to the school, get everyone out, go up to the door to go in (5 mins late) and its locked. I was supposed to go around to the side.
Nope. Done for the day.
I pile everyone in the car and tell them we are just going back home.
The comments start coming in. "Why aren't we staying? What about the meeting? Aren't you supposed to be at the meeting, Mom? We drove all the way here for nothing? You are just wasting our free time before bed! Can we get something to eat instead of eating at home?"
You know, there is only so much a person can take. This is a glimpse of my life on the daily. Its easy for me to post a picture of Brad when he is smiling and being sweet and talk about how we are overcoming his struggles.... and we are!!! And I love him beyond words... but this, also, is Autism.
My son has Aspergers. they don't call it that anymore, but that's easier than saying high Functioning Autism. And he is really good at controlling himself, for the most part, when he is out in public. But he lets it all out when he gets home. And I have seen this storm coming for weeks.
I can't explain it. He has been off, more extreme, for a few weeks. I don't know where the influences are coming in. I have taken away his YouTube privileges, I have limited phone time, we have had countless conversations, he has started horseback riding therapy....
I don't know. Something is going on with him and neither one of us knows what it is. But this is how it goes with Autism I suppose.
After all of the events of today, about an hour after the kids went to bed, Brad comes into the living room. He looks half asleep and very confused. He just stands in front of the TV looking at me, helpless. "What wrong Bub?" I ask. "uhhhhhhhh." A whine is all I get. "Buddy are you okay? Why aren't you asleep?' He just looks at me. Like he's saying, fix it Mom. I tell him to come here and lay in my lap. He is 11 and growing taller everyday. He doesn't really like for me to hold him or hug on him, but tonight, he curls up in my lap. He makes the same sounds he made when he was a baby, settling his body down to give in to sleep. And he dozes off. I got to hold my boy for about 15 mins tonight, and after that he was ready to go back to his bed. For 15 minutes, everything was ok. For 15 minutes we were at peace, a rare moment of peace.
I spend my days thinking about my children. All four of them. They are all so different, in different places in their lives, with different personalities, strengths, weaknesses, interests, dependency levels. Am I giving enough time to this one? Am I praising this one too much in front of this one? Am I giving this one the same opportunities that I gave the others when they were this age? Am I babying this one too much? Am I pushing enough? Am I asking too much? Am I sheltering them? Am I making excuses for them? What will they remember when they are adults about their childhood? And the one that occupies my mind the most lately is....
Does he really believe those things he says about me? Is that really what he thinks of me?
So, here I sit, Valentine's Day Eve, with a table full of valentines, needing names written on them, candy stuck to them, and ready to pass out tomorrow.
My boy can't make valentines for his classmates. He can barely write his name on 20 cards without having a meltdown. But you know what he can do? He can create AMAZING worlds in Minecraft. He can do anything he puts his mind to on the computer. He is an incredibly talented videographer. He can edit videos like a professional. He can put himself out there and talk to people without fear of rejection. He can light up a room with his genuine smile. He has a heart of gold, everyone who has ever spent any time with him will tell you that. He can turn 5 legos into anything. And I love him to the moon and back.
And I will spend every day of my life making sure that he and all of his siblings know that.
And tonight, I will finish his valentines for him.
I hope you guys have a very Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. I hope that you all get to spend the day with those you love the most. That you are all shown just how much you are loved and you get to show others how much you love them. I think having a day set aside to show people what they mean to you is pretty special. And if you are ready this, and you have decided to take this journey with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We are all going through hard stuff. We all need all the support we can get from one another.
Love you guys!!!!!!
This is Deon. Candice I just want to say I love you very much and pray that you get some rest tonight! Rest in the arms of God and know that you are loved. You are one of the strongest person I know. I can not even begin to image the struggle within but know that God does and he will make you strong beyond what you can imagine. God is good and he loves you beyond measure.
ReplyDelete